Have you ever compromised a crime scene? I haven't. But I definitely can. I would never want to compromise a rape crime scene because I think that rapists should be caught and tried, fairly. If I wanted to compromise a rape crime scene, I would throw an open can of paint all over the scene. At the very least, the scene would become highly complicated (also complicating things would be my outlandish presence there, followed by my own arrest shortly thereafter). Things can escalate quickly, can't they? My good friend Alex used to talk about quickly escalating situations from weird to capitol punishment-level and what sort of skillful moves would be required to do so. For example, walking into a nursery school playground is weird, but picking up a boy and sprinting down the road with him gets you some time (Even if you don't take him anywhere, which is sort of aggressive on the side of the law). One swift move, premeditated or spontaneous, is a game changer.
Oh yes football! Here are two "swift move" suggestions for two teams.
1) The Philadelphia Eagles fire their coach, Andy Reid. The "dream team" are 1-4, which is plenty reason for a firing, but more plenty, is that they are not going to change the way they play (or as Andy Reid said after yesterday's game "we just need to get better." Churchill-esque!) because of him. Reid, very much unlike Mr. Obama, is holding back a team of talented individuals from moving forward with an extraordinary experiment: winning on talent. I'm saying Andy Reid is slow, he is very slow, but it doesn't matter. He is a slow learner. That matters. He has mismanaged this group of guys from week 1. Much of the analysis surrounding and leading up to this season suggested Vick will try to remain in the pocket, get rid of the football quicker, but let plays develop instead of breaking them down and relying on his running skills to carry the load. I'm unclear why any coach would not only put those stupid thoughts into action, but why any coach wouldn't rape those stupid thoughts into submission before they wreaked havoc on his team. Last season when Vick was doing all of those things, the Eagles were good. They had some problems though, like their offensive line. Vick was sacked plenty last season and his skills (the very ones listed above) were what kept them a late season contender. Vick's skill set as a quarterback are unique and truly, perfect. He does very little wrong and unlike, say Brett Favre, he is quite conservative with the ball. Vick isn't running around like Kermit Frog, flopping his legs and swinging the ball every which way; he is a controlled force, like a drone strike, killing terrorist defensive schemes. Obama! Reid's inability to harness Vick's talent by improving the O-line is why he should be fired. Reid's firing will not make the offensive line better, but you can get lots of years in jail for just picking up and running with a child that is not yours.
2) Mark Sanchez gets to throw the football as many times as he wants. Poor Mark Sanchez! I live in New York, let me tell you these fans (papers) are awful to him. It's shocking, because really, he is quite handsome. Oh I mean, he is actually quite good. He has an excellent arm and a good target with Burress. What he does not have are two great running backs. Instead he has two mediocre ones. What he also has is a strong defense and a great defensive coach. When you can rely on your defense, why not take some chances with your quarterback. He only threw 26 times this week, of those he completed 16. He threw two touchdowns, threw no interceptions and had a 105 QB rating. The Jets are a good team, they are supposed to be a good team, and Sanchez is supposed to be their boy. Next week the Jets should let him try, then the Post can jump all over him with lazy puns like "three and doubt!"
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