Football is the comics' comic. I don’t mean football is a sport that only other sports could see the value in, or that professional athletes in other sports feel that professional football players are influential and talented in ways only they can really appreciate, I just mean that no matter what they say, women don’t actually like it. And they shouldn’t have to, because it is way too homoerotic. They definitely shouldn’t have to in bars. Men don’t even like watching football in bars. Trust me, I am so close to being a man, and I am so far from liking watching football in a bar. Yet every Sunday, I walk past bar after bar (literally, just one bar followed by one more, on my way to the store. Two bars total.) and they are filled with women. Some are wearing jerseys, I can’t believe it. Football games are damn long; a big block of a Sunday can be devoted to one game alone. Most of that block of time is not football action. Most of that block of time is occupied by silly, powdered-up former players and coaches ejaculating the remaining bits of their teeny brains through their mini mouths. In addition, the commercials that run on loop throughout the day cater to our little dicks’ grand ambitions of getting bigger through the acquisition of material things, and by things, I really mean trucks. During actual football action, most plays are less graceful than graceful: bodies recklessly colliding and the ball carrier advancing barely 5 yards, the whole play barely visible to a Cable audience. Multiply these things together and you get a product that is rather masturbatory (I don’t need to gender qualify that statement as we all know the female orgasm is a myth). The way a Sunday looks on Cable: God in the morning, pre-game pre-cum in the noontime, a game full of players wearing pants that allow a visible outline of their penises, more awful talk by more bald men wearing wigs later, followed by more football that contains mostly ads for trucks.
If the situation was reversed and the basic cable programming every Sunday of the autumn was dominated by women playing football, women talking heads bobbing up and down, and commercials offering material things women value considerably more than men, men would not spend 3.75hrs, twice in a day at a bar. Occupy Wall Street is happening. Activism is sheik. So this is what I’m asking: Women, get out there are and stop supporting football if you don’t love it. Why? Because then games and game programming could start being more honest, more gay. Football is still posturing itself as a wholesome heterosexual event on a Sunday because many types (genders) of people watch it, many “moral” people. Tim Tebow took up plenty of air-time yesterday. This is the guy who did an abstinence ad with his mother during one of his games when he was in college...because he what? believes in the right to life? I doubt it. Tim Tebow is a god-fearing man. Two more things about Tebow: yesterday he threw for just 165 yards and he is on the second worst team in the NFL. Yet he was all over the tube, tell me that was for his performance? God is boring and he already exerts plenty of control over Sundays. With the help of women’s movement, we can turn boring god-filled football Sundays into a more honest football Sunday experience. Not just something masturbatory, actual wholesale masturbation. Instead of having to mask a Tebow appearance as statistical, Cable can just show him changing after the game. “Tim Tebow, in his first start, played mildly well, but if you look now, you can see his penis, if you want.” The Broncos are terrible, they have no chance of making the post season. And the way they will win will be ceramically boring as Tim Tebow is an awful passer. So let’s show him naked!
Right now the world of Cable football is one that requires patience and persistence, grueling knowledge and many, many beers. But I believe it can be just as exiting as DVR Football, with all its pausing and fast forwarding and rewinding. I think if in your middle class homes and middle class bars, you women watching Cable football can man up and turn away, stay home and do something better, then Cable sports can be the best it can be: gayer than Tim Tebow.
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